Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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