They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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