My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
