I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Swine flu is the new snow day.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Randomize
