I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
