My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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