My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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