A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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