um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Randomize
