Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
