he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
