I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
