could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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