life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
