I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
