i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
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