I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
