i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
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He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
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The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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