Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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