We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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