so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
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Its like we are women, and boise state is a gangster rap song. This game is degrading
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
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