now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
