I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
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