Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
