I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize