We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
