Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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