What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
