are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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