I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Randomize
