Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Randomize
