Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
