I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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