woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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