I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Someone signed my nipple.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
