Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
