my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
