tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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