I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Randomize
