Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
