last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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