So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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