so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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