my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Randomize
