chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
