how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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