i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
