'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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