So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
