I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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