she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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