i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
