Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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