Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
