I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
