oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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