I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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