I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
