Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
